10. What's Your Gift-Giving Love Language?: Aligning Your Spending with Your Values This Holiday Season
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Hello and welcome back to the podcast! I'm your host, Lindsey Ciarrocca, your YNAB Certified Coach and Certified Money Coach, and I am so happy you're here. Today I want to talk about December and some of the specific budgeting challenges it can bring with it.
Have you ever felt like for the entire month of December that you are walking this invisible tightrope? You know, that fine line between loving the holidays, loving to give, but the minute you look at your checking account balance, that familiar knot of anxiety comes creeping in.
Plus, there is so much pressure to be spending right now. Between all of the ads that are bombarding us left and right, the kids making epically long Christmas lists and all of the holiday gatherings, it is so easy to get overwhelmed by everything that not only needs to be done before the end of the year, but also everything that you could spend money on right now.
Yes, we all want to spend and save with confidence, but also, the pressure to buy 'the perfect gift' for everyone and their spouse, can make us feel like we’ve completely lost control.
Today, I want to encourage you to first off, take a deep breath, you’re doing great. But secondly, let’s take a step back and think about things a bit differently. I want to encourage you to look at the emotional reason for your spending. Then we’re going to use intentional budgeting, to make sure that our gift-giving feels not only expansive and joyful, but it also feels fully aligned with our values and our actual budget.
Because the truth is, a lot of things we want cost money. But that's okay! The goal isn't to stop wanting or stop giving; the goal is to be intentional about it.
The first thing I want you to ask yourself is, "Why am I buying this?"
And notice that I say why not what. What—like "a sweater"—but the why—"because I feel obligated," or "because I want to see a huge smile on their face."
Because, so often, the real reason we overspend during the holidays comes down to feeling obligated. We buy out of a fear of judgment, or guilt that we aren't doing "enough," or maybe because we're chasing the feeling we think the spending will create.
So what I’d like you to do is to look at gift giving as it is related to the five love languages, If you aren’t familiar, The Five Love Languages is a book by Gary Chapman (affiliate link). If you haven’t read this book, I would definitely recommend giving it a read. I will link to it in the show notes.
The basic concept is that there are five general ways that people express and experience love: quality time, acts of service, words of affirmation, receiving gifts and physical touch. The premise of the original book is how you can learn to speak your partners love language. Because most of the time, your primary language is not the same as theirs. For example, if their love language is words of affirmation, but you are trying to show your love by buying gifts, they may not see or feel your love as you intended it. It’s literally like you are speaking Spanish and they only speak French. The message is getting lost in translation.
So knowing that back story, let’s use the Five Love Languages as a simple framework to check in with our Gift-Giving Love Language.
Is your gift-giving driven by a desire for Quality Time? Then maybe you can shift a $200 gift into a picnic with your family or a game night with your friends. If your main goal is to spend time with someone, what is a way you could change your gift into something that costs less, but is perhaps even more meaningful because you get to spend time with the recipient?
Maybe your gift is driven by an Act of Service. This area is all about freeing up time, or handling a task the person finds overwhelming. Could you offer to babysit for your sister and brother in law so they can go on a date night? Or maybe you are great at organizing and can help your mom for an afternoon so she finally has a decluttered closet full of clothes she actually likes.
Or how about Words of Affirmation? This is about recognizing your recipients achievements and their worthiness. Usually this can be a zero-dollar gift that has a priceless emotional return. It could be as simple as a heartfelt card where you share how much their friendship has meant to you over the years.
By taking some time to look at why you actually want to give a gift, you just might realize that your highest value might not actually be the Physical Gift. So instead of buying a thing just for the sake of having a gift for someone to open, you are now giving yourself permission to let the obligation go and gift in a way that is more meaningful to you and your recipient.
So once you know the why behind your gifting, how do we take that and put it into our budget? Honestly, when you are using YNAB, it is super simple!
Here’s your three-step holiday budgeting process:
Define Your True Budget: Take some time to sit down now and figure out, "What is our total, all-in number for all of December?" And this should include everything, in addition to gifts. So things like holiday baking, travel expenses, decorations or food and entertainment. It may feel too late for this year, but now is better than never! You can always start today for this year and then make improvements for next year based on what you learned. I actually have a helpful workbook that can walk you through creating a memorable holiday season, while staying on a budget. It’s called Thrifty and Merry and I will link that in the show notes. Once you’ve decided on a total number that feels right for you, move on to step two.
Create Your Sinking Fund Category: Open YNAB right now and create a specific category—feel free to call it something fun like "A Joyful December." Then set the target to be the amount you just came up with. You now have a tangible goal to put money towards, and once it’s funded, you have to treat it like a non-negotiable limit. If you are able to do this, you will be able to start the new year off without a credit card hangover…and how great would that be?
Find the money before you spend it. This is the key that makes YNAB work for all of your categories, not just this one. If you take a minute to check your budget before you spend, you will know, with complete certainty, if you have the money to spend or not.
One more budgeting tip/reminder - December is busy! You are likely going to forget to budget for something. That's okay!
This is where we go with YNAB’s Third Rule, Roll With The Punches, is your permission slip to be a human being. Don't panic and think you ruined your whole budget! Just open YNAB, find a category that is currently less important than this unexpected expense—maybe you take $25 from "New Shoes Fund"—and move it to your "Joyful December Gifts" category.
Also, if you are just starting this and it’s already mid-December, maybe it’s not realistic to fully have all the cash you need to fund everything this year. But what if you just focus on making an improvement from last year? Then, when January comes, you can reset your budget and your target so that you are setting aside a little bit each month for next year. Remember, progress over perfection.
This December, I challenge you to look beyond the price tag. Align your spending with your deepest values, use your budget as your guiding tool, and truly spend and save with confidence. And if buying extravagant gifts is truly not in your budget this year, that is 100% ok. Don’t let anyone guilt or shame you into feeling like you have to spend money that will put you in debt.
Because remember, your biggest, wildest dreams are within reach. Go make some money moves so that you too can start to experience financial freedom.
RESOURCES MENTIONED IN THIS EPISODE:
Thrifty & Merry: A Guided Workbook to Celebrating the Holidays on a Budget: https://www.theexuberantelephant.com/thrifty-and-merry
The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman: https://amzn.to/4pYdP1n
All Book Recommendations: https://www.theexuberantelephant.com/books
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DISCLOSURES
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YNAB Disclosure: I am a YNAB Certified Budgeting Coach, which means that I have been trained to coach people on using YNAB software and the YNAB budgeting method. I have met select requirements of You Need a Budget LLC in order to receive this certification, which means that I have the ability to competently coach YNAB to others. I am not an employee of YNAB, and all non-YNAB related opinions and recommendations are my own. My views do not reflect the views of YNAB and its employees or affiliates.
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